The Fall of Man

“Tracy, come here. We’ve been together for a long time now. Do you remember all those walks we shared? The time together, the time apart?  I feel like my days are numbered and I don’t really know what to do.” Tracy yawned in response.

“It’s like I don’t belong here anymore – I mean, you’re still around, but I don’t know if I need to be.” Tracy sat down next to him.

“You know what I mean?” He looked over. “My bones are brittle, my home is lonely, I’m tired and I feel like I should move on.”

Tracy looked up, then back down again.

“There is no reason anymore. I need something else, something meaningful, something to do, someone to live with. There’s something missing Tracy, a gap, a hole that needs to be filled.” He put a hand between Tracy’s shoulders. “What would I do without you, Tracy?”

Tracy looked over lovingly.

“I can’t look at you like that. It’s just too much right now – I just don’t know. There’s too much going on but nothing I can do about any of it.”

Tracy whined.

“I miss her Tracy. Lily’s gone and I can’t live without her. I can’t do it alone.” His eyes started to swell, and he couldn’t keep his will anymore. Tracy stood by his side the entire time.

“I love you Tracy, I couldn’t have gotten through any of this without you by my side.  There were always others, but no one like you. You were mine, always. There was no winning you, or buying your love – I didn’t have to woo you, or anything. You were simply there. That’s what makes this so hard, I can’t just leave you alone. I have to stay here, if only for you. I can’t go now, that would be selfish, and that’s all I’ve been since I’ve had you.”

“You’ve convinced me Tracy, I’m all yours now, I have nothing to devote any of my time to aside from you.”

Tracy leaned in closer.  She rested her head on his lap and stared into his eyes with more adoration than any human could ever fathom. He finally lost his will.  He fell to the ground, and held Tracy with such love and care: gently.

“You’re all I’ve got left, you have to promise me that you won’t leave me. And you have my word that I won’t leave you. It’s just you and me. There’s nothing else.” Finally, he got up. He walked across the living room, put on his coat and hat. It was late, almost midnight. He walked back across the room and reached for his cane, all the while Tracy at his side. He looked at the leash, there was no need. He was just going for a walk. It had been over a month since last they walked together. He reached for the door and let Tracy out first. She walked out quickly and turned to wait for him as he gathered his things. Tears still filled his eyes, but he was feeling better. Together they walked out, and listlessly strolled down the driveway, then through the park. There was nowhere to go other than Lily’s bench. Together, they stared at the moon, fully lit, for the first time in years. They slowly made their way through the grass alone, together. All they had was each other, and that’s all they needed. They got to Lily’s bench, he sat down.  Tracy jumped on the bench and lay next to him.  She put her paws on his lap as he looked out past the trees. The night grew dark.

To Find Meaning

At times, there is a difficulty in life. This difficulty is in finding meaning. In these times – these difficulties – it is important to remember the areas of life in which we find purpose. More importantly, it is necessary to remind ourselves of the things in life that we enjoy.

We must do this to challenge ourselves but also to find satisfaction. Writing has become one of the few places where I can fully – truly – express myself. Beyond this, there are not many other mediums; I don’t have many other options. I am limited by my own anxieties paired with the social construction of expected progressions of interaction.

I write now, with my eyes closed as a challenge to myself in writing correctly and accurately without visual confirmation. So many things we do habitually. We do not think about ourselves doing them and we do not remind ourselves of the things we have memorized.

As I consciously stream my thoughts, they are guided by the writings of Kenzaburo Oe. One of his stories asks for guidance in uncovering the secrets within madness. The problem is that there are no truths revealed. The only truth is that people are not taught these secrets. Moreover, people who ask become outcast and must deal with this non-lesson individually, resulting in the same outcome: isolation, passing the time, just to find death as the answer.

I myself have come to a similar realization. I am still not sure if it is spite or an interest in the fact that this is not the only outcome but I continue to press on. I hope that I can help create meaning, even if that meaning is only an alternative to the current truths we find in life.